Thoughts and Suggestions from an Aging Psychologist.

No Rush, No Race

A while back, I was running a group for older persons in a senior center. As is my style, I wanted to start with something positive and ensure the tone of the group did not devolve into a complaint fest. So, I began with the question, “What are the positives, the good things, about being an older person?”

“Well, maybe it is true that we older people don’t need to rush so much. I hadn’t thought of that so clearly.”

At first, this was met with blank stares and silence. The sad truth is that most older adults are primed to think of the negatives of becoming old. Older adults are not exempt from societal ageism.

The Realization

Gradually, one at a time, the participants spoke up, offering their experiences of “good things” that go along with becoming an older adult, while I marked these on an easel for further discussion. As each point was put forward, others in the group responded with nods of agreement, and sometimes adding humorous addenda.

At one point, a group member said that perhaps older people no longer needed to rush all the time in the way that younger folks always seemed to be doing. This was met with a quiet pause for consideration. One by one, the group members jumped in with examples from their own experiences:

• “When my daughter comes to visit, it’s always, ‘Hi, Mom. How are you? You can’t believe what my life is like right now. I have so much on my plate. Is there anything you need from me? I’m in such a rush.’”
• “My son says, ‘I’m sorry I haven’t called, Mom. I’ve been so busy and rushed. The week got away from me.’”
• A man in the group who lives alone reported that his son often stops by during the weekend to help out. “And he comes in asking, ‘Where’s your list, Dad? I need to get to it. I’m in such a rush this weekend.’”

So many examples of the same observation.

A group member tried to sum up the conversation. “Well, maybe it is true that we older people don’t need to rush so much. I hadn’t thought of that so clearly.” Others nodded in agreement. Younger folks, they observed, were always in a rush. They have more obligations to meet, more things to attend to, so they were always in a rush, or at least it seemed to feel that way to them.

The Consensus

The group reached a light and touching consensus with a tinge of sadness too. They had probably been in much the same rush when they were younger. And it appears that in older age, we rather naturally relinquish membership in the “Gotta Run” generation.

The group agreed that this was one of the benefits, not often considered and talked about, of being an older person.

A Poignant Memory

The poignant discussion that ensued brought back for me the memory of a former patient. He would always come a little early to his appointment and sit peacefully in the waiting room with people much younger than him, where they all waited for their appointments.

One time, I overheard him being asked how long he had been waiting. He replied that he didn’t think it was very long and that it really didn’t matter because he was retired and not in any rush.

They were in a rush, their life was a rush, and they did not feel peaceful with waiting.

The response from the others sitting there was universally a look of incredulity. The others in the waiting room were in a rush, their life was a rush, and they did not feel peaceful with waiting. They were very much aware of the passage of time. As older adults, so are we.

The Gift of Being Present

“This is a reflection of the wisdom attributed to older adults.”

Maybe this really is one of the good things about being older: that we might allow ourselves to retire from the “Gotta Run” generation. It would be a quiet, private retirement, without the gift of a gold watch or a farewell pizza party. It would likely be tinged with some sadness because it recognizes significant losses that enabled us to retreat and retire - losses of relationships, roles, activities, and unlimited energy. But one of the benefits – and it’s a big one – is being able to sit peacefully in the now.

Modeling Wisdom

Those in the “Gotta Run” generation are the rising generation of elders. They will become older adults, and at some point, consciously or not, they too will be able to sit peacefully in a waiting room somewhere. We are modeling this for them and the generation following them. This is a reflection of the wisdom attributed to older adults.

For now, we listen to their to-do lists, responsibilities, obligations, goals, pressures, and stresses, feeling rushed and overwhelmed by the logistics of getting around and getting through, and running out of time. We assure them they will be alright, and we try, above all, not to add to their burden. We encourage them to slow down and savor the journey more than focus on the race. We know where the finish line is, and we are not in a rush to reach it.

Photo by Anastasiya Romanova on Unsplash.