Thoughts and Suggestions from an Aging Psychologist.
One of my first positions as a licensed psychologist was as co-director of a Community Mental Health Center responsible for services to older adults. The Center was situated across the street from the local hospital, and we would often be referred patients from the ER who had presented with a minor medical concern but mostly were anxious and worried.
Over time I came to recognize a presentation that reflected the individual’s anticipated longevity and visions of themselves at that age. Perceiving a lack of fit between what they had anticipated and what they were experiencing appeared to contribute to their anxiety.
Discovering the Origins of Our Aging Scripts
I became curious about how the script was created. And so, I asked these older adults “What age have you expected to live until?” “Why that age?”
I was surprised at how naturally they accepted my questions and how available their responses were.
Family Lore and Quasi-Science
Some reflected family lore. Some reflected quasi-science. For example:
“Well, I’m named after Aunt Francis. I have red hair like she did, and I’ve been told my personality was a lot like hers. And she lived well into her 80s and I guess I anticipated that I would, too.”
One man explained:
“All the men in my family died before 65; they never even got to retire, so I figured I would share that fate, too.”
Another person shared:
“My mother passed very young, in her mid-50s. My father lived till nearly 90, and since I was the child of both I figured I’d probably live till my early 70s or so.”
Spiritual and Philosophical Beliefs
Some estimates appeared to rise from a spiritual or philosophical core:
“I always felt that I was destined to live to be a very, very old man; maybe even 100 years old.”
When Scripts Run Out
And there were those folks in their eighties and nineties who told me:
“I never expected to live this long. I expected to die when I was much younger.”
And so, they struggled to describe how they expected to be at the age they actually were. They had truly run out of script, exceeding their internalized narrative.
Testing the Script with High School Students
For a number of years, I would give a talk about old age in my hometown to high school students taking a course in psychology. I designed an exercise based on the internalized script.
I distributed index cards and asked that they put their age in one corner of it and the age they expected to live to. On the other side, I asked that they list five descriptors of what they expected to be like at that age.
The age range looked much the same as what my older adults had reported. The descriptor clusters were also similar, albeit more skewed to the negative. By adolescence, the greater society has also contributed to the script.
How Scripts Shape Relationships
The internalized script outlines a narrative of one’s life going forward. It is powerful not only for oneself but also informs our relationship with others, especially those with whom we’re in close relationship.
Consider, for example, the long-partnered couple where one anticipates living to 60, and the other to 90 and being active until the very end. They each bring their script as they talk about their retirement, the empty nest, where they’re going to reside, and how they’re going to live the next chapter of their lives.
And this powerful narrative certainly affects the relationship between adult children and their aging parents. I’ll have more to say about that in the next post.
Activity: Discover Your Own Script
For now, I invite you to do this activity: Get a pencil and an index card; or if you don’t have one, a sheet of paper to write on will do.
What is your internalized script?
On an index card:
- Write your current age in the upper corner
- Write the age you have thought you would live until - be as specific as you can
- Why that age?
- On the other side of the card: What have you thought you would be like at that age? List descriptors.
Study the card and think about how this internalized script might have informed your life in the past. How it might be informing your life now. How it might inform your life going forward.
Partner Exercise
Consider doing this activity with your life partner, if this suits your relationship. Be gentle, patient, and don’t rush. Allow each of you to present what they wrote without interruption. And don’t challenge the responses. It is their script.
Contact me. I’d love to hear back from you, especially about any creative ways you’ve put this to use.
Photo Credit
Photo by The Rosowsky Family_