Thoughts and Suggestions from an Aging Psychologist.

The Original Tale: the Perils of Perfectionism

As a child I loved the fairy tale, The Three Bears. It was a story about a little girl with golden hair, like I had, whose name was Goldilocks. One day Goldilocks went out for a walk and came upon the house of The Three Bears: Mama bear, Papa bear and Baby bear. Being curious, like I was, Goldilocks entered the house, but no one was home as the bear family was out on a walk of their own.

Goldilocks was exploring the house when she noticed three bowls of porridge set out on the table. Feeling hungry, she tasted a bowl of porridge and declared it “too hot.” Then she tried a second bowl and said, “this is too cold.” But when she tasted the third bowl, she found it to be “just right.” And she ate it all up.

Then Goldilocks sat down on a chair, but found it “too hard”, so she tried another one. But that one she found was “too low”. The third chair she tried felt “just right.” So, she sat down.

After sitting for a bit, she became very sleepy, so she entered the bears’ bedroom where she saw three beds. She laid down on one, but felt it was “too high”. So, she tried a second bed and declared it was “too low.” The third bed she tried however felt “just right,” and so she laid down and fell fast asleep.

Goldilocks was startled awake when later the three bears came home from their walk. Upon seeing them, she leaped up from the bed and ran out the front door, never to be seen by the bears again.

A Modern Retelling

In my version of Goldilocks her name is Silverlocks, as she is now an older person, like I am, with hair that is more silver than gold. But she has remained a curious person, wanting to explore and continue to learn from life’s adventures even into her later years.

One lesson she has learned, perhaps a touch of the wisdom of age, is that perfection seldom occurs, and that, if it does, it is not permanent. Another lesson learned was that, while little is perfect, much is often good enough and sometimes even just right. What was “perfection” was the gold standard, “good enough” is the silver standard now.

While little is perfect, much is often good enough and sometimes even just right.

The Three Fears: Fear of Failing, Fear of Facing, Fear of Falling

It is true that we can be lifelong learners with the capacity to think, feel and behave differently throughout sentient life. We can make changes. It is also true that even thinking about change can provoke anxiety. And so, we often avoid new experiences, opportunities for learning, even before they begin. We conjure and confront Three Fears and hasten to run away from them.

Fear of Failing

When we feel atypically energized and excited, perhaps on the cusp of a new experience, we often get messages from others and ourselves to beware, be cautious, and that we cannot or should not do something. These thoughts portend our failing. These warnings and admonitions cut off nascent interests, thus denying the need for change. Before we’ve seriously considered something, we reject it by proclaiming it too cold, too hard, too anything, but certainly not just right. This attitude of preemptive, pessimistic resignation defeats us before we even try.

Fear of Facing

This is the most existential of the three fears. It embraces knowing our mortality and the inexorable running out of time. While curiosity opens the door to new learning and change, we know from experience that change takes energy and time, two commodities that become increasingly precious with age.

Older age is also a time when we reminisce and review our past. We are looking back now with a different lens, one more nuanced rather than resolute and that can be a focus of curiosity too. Curiosity leads to change. We remember things differently and hopefully come to accept that life lived was good enough, just right.

Fear of Falling

This is a fear that I didn’t anticipate when I was younger, and didn’t appreciate how big a bear it becomes with advancing age. The fear of falling feeds on our experiences and recognition that the physical world in many ways is inhospitable to old age. It is at times unsafe, often not good enough and seldom just right. It is not elder-friendly.

And we learn too that falls are dangerous, potentially devastating and possibly deadly. Falls in older age are nothing like what they were when we were children was, or even young adults. It is understandable that some older people avoid taking chances at all. Not taking chances means not trying anything new. While curiosity opens the door to new learning and change, we know from experience that change takes energy and time.

The result is that sometimes we choose not to try anything new at all. And we really should.

DrR Reflects

As an older person I live each day in a world along with the three fears. My guiding principles are flexibility and reasonable risk. In addition to the bend and stretch exercises we do to keep our bodies tuned, we need exercises for our “changing” muscles, too.

If the bar is too high or too low, get someone to help you… or move the bar.

Take a risk. Each person has to identify what their reasonable risk is. Many older folks and their families struggle with defining it. Middle age children want to protect their parents, keep them safe. Many older people are willing to take a little risk to feel like they are still in the world, still in play.

It is so important to continue with whatever has made your life fulfilling. As we move from gold to silver, it’s worth noting that while silver friends might not look and feel the same as our gold friends, they often become wonderfully just right.

I wonder what would have happened if Goldilocks hadn’t run away when the bear family returned home. Might she have been able to connect with them and make new friends?

I hope she went on to live happily ever after.

Contact me. I’d love to hear back from you, especially about any creative ways you’ve put this to use.

Photo by the author.