Thoughts and Suggestions from an Aging Psychologist.

Are Words of Wisdom for my Younger Self Still Wise for my Older Self?

When we were children, we received many messages from older adults meant to guide us. These oft-repeated messages were intended to be “words of wisdom” in order to teach us right from wrong, what we should think and how we should behave. Sometimes these teachings were delivered through pithy little sayings, adages or aphorisms. Some of these we could understand, while others were confusing or even mysterious to us.

The Challenge of Intergenerational Communication

As we aged, we developed ways to communicate between generations. While bidirectional, intergenerational communication always struggles to achieve clarity even as different generations each recognize the importance to do so.

Recently we are developing language to call-out ageism, and we are awed recognizing how early in a child’s life it develops. We older adults are acutely aware that with the speed and complexity of technological advances we need make conscious efforts to stay relevant.

We need stay on top of a rapidly changing lexicon of words, gestures and images that deliver an array of meanings, even as these quickly dissipate or segue into new iterations. We have learned that we can communicate graphically with the use of emojis and no words at all. And that an unanticipated phone call can be interpreted as a rude intrusion.

Revisiting Childhood Wisdom

Recently, my mind wandered off to think about some of the old “words of wisdom” from my youth, and I wondered if they would still be “wise” for an older person like me today. What I offer now is a sampling of these messages from my youth, and my very brief responses to the query “are the words still wise for the older person today?”

“Listen to your elders. We’ve lived longer. We know what we are talking about.”

My Response: I agree that there is some truth in this. Older people have lived longer by definition. They have had more life experiences from which to learn.

Yes, but there is a strong tendency for our experiences to reinforce and strengthen our beliefs, feelings and behaviors over time. As we age, the tendency is to become more like ourselves.

“If you don’t respect yourself, no one else will respect you.”

My Response: I think this probably baffled me as a child. It speaks of self-respect, and I don’t think I would have had any reference for that. Now I do. And so, I concur with this, mostly.

I do think self-respect helps our communications and relationships, but as a clinician I understand that this is not always the case. Sadly, many people do not feel good about themselves, and don’t respect themselves, and deny themselves agency. Their behaviors and accomplishments may speak a different story.

Others might hold them in high regard, but even so their respect is experienced as dystonic. Generally, when we respect ourselves, it encourages others to respect us in kind.

“Don’t be in such a rush. The clock will go ‘round again.”

My Response: Recalling the Aging Easier groups that I used to run, I remember that one activity was to identify the positive aspects of getting older. What often came up was some variant of “you don’t have to rush all the time.”

And this led to lively talk about the younger generation, typically identifying adult children with children of their own and active careers, as ALWAYS being in a rush. Ultimately, they came to be labeled the “Gotta Run Generation.”

While it is true that the clock will go ‘round again, the apportionment of how we use time changes as we age.

In older age knowing that the clock will go ‘round again is actually quite comforting.

“Go outdoors. Even if it’s raining, you won’t melt. You’re not made of spun sugar.”

My Response: Absolutely. We are not so fragile that we can’t tolerate some adverse weather, and fresh air and movement is good for us at any age.

Caveats:

• Do dress for the weather
• Don’t go out when or where it is icy

“Cross that bridge when you come to it.”

My Response: I have mixed feelings about this one. It speaks to positive and helpful anticipation and planning, versus negative and unhelpful worrying and obsessing. Sometimes youth can be too impulsive. And often old age isn’t impulsive enough.

It is wise to acknowledge that a bridge is possible, even probable, as we look ahead, and a plan B is usually wise, too. But it is also wise to avoid getting lost in the weeds and becoming stuck. As a clinician, the focus of therapy often was the individual’s pain and effort to emerge from the weeds.

“This, too, shall pass.”

My Response: This message speaks of the essence of impermanence. Struggles between constancy and change go on throughout life, and throughout life change is the inevitable winner. Much of our stress and pain comes from resisting this fact of life.

I am writing this now after having been away from my work for the last several months as I cared for my husband during his final illness. The inevitability of impermanence is what makes each day precious. And at the end, when what was impermanent becomes permanent, it is experienced as grief. And that too shall pass.

An Invitation to Reflect

I hope you found this post interesting. For me looking back at some of the wise words from my childhood evoked delightful reminiscence and nostalgia. I think you might enjoy doing this yourselves.

Consider these questions:

• What “words of wisdom” did you hear over the course of your childhood?
• Have you used them with the next generation in your own family?
• Which ones make sense to you now as an older person, or rising older person?

Contact me. I’d love to hear back from you, especially about any creative ways you’ve put this to use.