Thoughts and Suggestions from an Aging Psychologist.

Recently there has been a great deal of attention to loneliness, how it differs from aloneness, and how it impacts the older individual’s life in a negative way. Sadly, this appears to be true throughout the life course. Our little ones and teens are also suffering from loneliness. I dare say that society writ large is lonelier these days, too.

The Many Sources of Loneliness

There are multiple contributions to societal loneliness. What quickly comes to mind are the many digital contributions, geographic mobility, the pace of life, the ratio of events to time, and changes in social behaviors.

For older persons there are additional issues: frequently occurring challenges that impede making connections, that contribute to isolation, and that compound the negative impact of loneliness on health.

Conversation Deprivation

I suspect I am not the only older person who at times walks around the house talking to herself, and not only to remember the items I went downstairs to retrieve. Sometimes it is to hear a human voice, even if it is my own.

This is not a conversation. It is, rather, a reaction to a feeling of conversation deprivation. When there is a paucity of good conversations, feelings of deprivation and loneliness can ensue, and older persons are especially susceptible to this.

What Makes a Conversation “Good”

Conversation is bidirectional or multidirectional. It requires at least two persons invested in communicating feelings, thoughts, and ideas. And it requires time and focus.

We can recognize a good conversation when we have one, or when we have had one. There is a positive after-effect. A good conversation can enhance mood and protect against loneliness.

But not every exchange qualifies. A good conversation is not:

• Chit chat at the market checkout counter.
• The smile and wave between folks we might pass on a morning walk.
• A check-in from a friend or family member who announces they are busy and pressed for time, but just wanted to say hi and ask if you’re okay.
• A passing comment at the yoga center, art class, or some community lecture.

A good conversation requires energy. That said, those passing comments can lead to conversations, when “let’s get together for coffee sometime” is suggested, and then followed through.

The Logistics of Connection

Conversation generally needs to be planned and consulted with the participants’ calendars. Matching availabilities can be difficult. Everybody is busy and booked.

Just getting together to have a conversation seems a luxury.

A fallback is often a dinner date, which offers both time for a conversation and a meal.

Therapy as Conversation

Thinking back to when I was doing clinical work, I regret that I didn’t ask my older patients when the last time was that they had a good conversation, who it was with, where, and what it was like for them.

I suspect that some would report that it was with me, their therapist.

Good therapy, at its most basic, is a conversation.

It is bidirectional, with each participant focused, open, and poised to listen and hear the other.

Conversation as Validation

Good conversation also provides a validation of the self, of who we are. This is especially precious for older persons.

Old age is a stage when opportunities for such validation, typically through roles and relationships, are dwindling and disappearing. The opportunities for deep connections become fewer and less available over time.

A Spontaneous Gift

Being able to take advantage of a spontaneous opportunity for conversation is an extra-special luxury. It requires that at least two people are available to connect, focus, listen, and hear each other, without this having been pre-arranged.

I witnessed such a sweet occasion the other day. I was resting on a bench in the town square after having done some local errands, watching two women come together, visibly engaged, talking to one another in an animated way.

I could not hear what they were saying, but I could see that they were listening and responding attentively, each allowing the other time to listen and talk. Watching this beautiful dance through their words, gestures, and facial expressions brought tears to my eyes.

As the conversation drew to an end, I could witness the energy quieting. They hugged and smiled and hugged again. Then they parted, each going off in a different direction with big smiles on their faces.

Their good conversation was contagious. I left to head home, and I was smiling, too.

Contact me. I’d love to hear back from you, especially about any creative ways you’ve put this to use.