Thoughts and Suggestions from an Aging Psychologist.

There are moments in life that compel us to recognize that we are old and becoming older still. We might feel fatigue more than usual. We recognize that we’re slowing, although we don’t remember when that began. And we receive an increasing number of messages from society telling us, “You are old.”

The Willingness to Change

When I am invited to speak with not-yet-old folks, I often find them very interested to hear what I might offer that could be helpful as they anticipate their aging. I emphasize the importance of flexibility: the willingness to address the need for change and not rail against it.

I advise trying to meet the press for change in order to get your needs met, and your wishes achieved, in new and creative ways.

Becoming old isn’t negotiable. As long as we live, we become older. But we do have some agency over how we are aging.

Becoming old isn’t negotiable. But we do have some agency over how we are aging.

There are limitless ideas and products being touted, advising us how we can avoid the signs of aging. Along the way we develop images of what our old age is becoming and will be going forward. And we internalize these images and live toward actualizing them.

The Long History of Ageism

Ageism has a long history, and people are still seeking the fountain of youth. Currently they look for it in scientific laboratory data and through social media.

Positive aging suggests various admixtures of “goods”:

• Good genes
• Good socialization
• Good food
• Good housing
• Good education
• Good medical care
• Good exercise
• Good attitude
• And a nod to good luck

Sadly, internalized social ageism begins early in life. Studies have clearly shown that little children already hold ageist views of old people.

While “othering” is rampant throughout all -isms, ageism is perhaps distinguished as being the -ism that is achievable by everyone who lives long enough to age.

Ageism is perhaps the one -ism achievable by everyone who lives long enough to age.

Ageism is not limited to focusing singularly on the negatives of becoming old. There is also positive ageism, which is rampant as well. Consider, for example, that not all “old ladies” are “little and sweet.”

Anticipatory Defeatism

Age-related changes are real and inevitable. The problem comes when we preemptively give up, when we don’t even try to address the need for change. I call this “anticipatory defeatism,” and it often reflects our own internalized ageism.

We meet the challenge with the “I Can’t,” and never consider the “I Can.” Often our pull toward perfectionism, as well as an unrealistic constancy of self, gets in the way of even trying “an alternate route,” and these are inevitably accompanied by sadness and anger.

Internalized ageism is in us, we older persons, too. We are part of the same ageist society. Can you recognize ageism in yourself? Do you tend toward anticipatory defeatism?

My thinking is that there is a sweet spot between the proclivity to self-defeatism and the tendency to jump in quickly, “willy nilly,” and confront the required change full force by muscling through. It doesn’t work.

From “I Can’t” to “I Can”

What does it take to be able to move from the “I Can’t” to the “I Can”? What do we need in order to feel strong and empowered, with an honest sense of agency that goes along with being old?

The wisdom of old age has a partner in realistic agency. We have years of experience, and we have endured and coped plenty. We have survived and know well what we can and cannot do. And we are creative thinkers, with access to the wisdom and agency that goes along with age.

I can tell myself, as can you, that I am flexible, creative, valuable, self-accepting, and wise, because I am, and Because I Can.

Contact me. I’d love to hear back from you, especially about any creative ways you’ve put this to use.