Thoughts and Suggestions from an Aging Psychologist.

What do we mean by the term “Loneliness?” While different for each of us, I suspect that if we analyzed its components we would agree on certain common features.

Let’s see.

Loneliness is a feeling that we all experience at times. It is an unpleasant feeling that incorporates feelings of sadness, anxiety and helplessness. Recognizing when you feel lonely and what is likely contributing to it are important keys to responding in helpful ways.

Loneliness can become chronic and ultimately come to define one’s persona, the individual’s personality that is perceived by others.

Loneliness subsumes interpersonal referents. It reflects a discordance between the relationships we have and those that we desire, making up our social and relational “comfort zone.” As it is a feeling, loneliness is a subjective experience.

Simple sociograms (graphs depicting social relationship networks) do not complete the picture of an individual’s loneliness. What matters most is that the connections and relationships one has feel adequate to the individual.

Loneliness vs. Aloneness: A Big Difference

Loneliness and Aloneness are distinctly different constructs.

Being alone does not mean that one is lonely.

While Loneliness is an unpleasant feeling of sadness and angst reflecting a perceived absence of connections and supports, Aloneness is not an unpleasant feeling. It feels about right for the individual’s comfort zone.

Aloneness can be experienced as comfortable (not unpleasant to clearly pleasant) depending on many things like context, time, and perceived need of relative or absolute solitude. In other words, the feeling is neither constant nor pervasive.

There are, however, certain personality styles and disorders that are significantly marked by the need for solitude and avoidance of relationships. But for most, our need for aloneness and our need for connections varies, as do the opportunities for each. This juxtaposition of need and opportunity describes a “goodness of fit” with our unique (at this time!) comfort zone.

Aloneness, then, is a description of one’s awareness of being alone. If it is not “excessive,” it is not uncomfortable or harmful. This is not true for Loneliness. Loneliness is a feeling, and feelings are subjective.

The science is very clear that loneliness can contribute to many mental and physical health problems (morbidity), and to mortality. Older adults appear to be especially impacted by the negative effects of Loneliness.

What You Can Do

Thinking

If you feel lonely, acknowledge it. HONOR your feeling by recognizing it. (Don’t hold in or suppress or deny the feeling.) “I’m feeling lonely right now.”

ASK yourself what the feeling might be telling you at this current visit, and what it might need. Sometimes a passing feeling of loneliness simply needs to be acknowledged. Recognize it as a wave just passing through, and gently ride it out. It will pass. It might also direct you to what is lacking, what is needed. Be attentive and encourage your thinking to be as specific as you can.

CONSIDER how you have dealt with feelings of loneliness in the past ,and what has been helpful. There are some advantages of being an older person. An important advantage is that we have a broad history of experiences from which to draw self-advice.

DECIDE how you choose to address this feeling of loneliness. Recognize that you have agency. You do have some measure of control over how you choose to respond to this experience and the likely outcomes.

What are your possible response choices? How would each one help? Use your past as a guide.

REASSURE yourself. Nothing is permanent, including feelings.

Doing

Altruism

One can, and often does, feel lonely in the midst of an abundance of “others.”

When one feels lonely, there is often the urge to withdraw from people and activities. This is sadly counterproductive. Loneliness becomes bi-directional.

What is helpful is “doing for others.” Even a smile can make your day and mine (an “other”) feel a bit brighter. It also makes a connection (remember that word?). And never hold back on an honest compliment. That’s a certain win-win!

Nature

Consider taking a walk-in nature, or any way you can to be in a natural setting. One is never alone among the trees, or with flowers, birds, or animals. We are not the only living creature with whom to make connections and have relationships.

I have found that even books about nature can be a comforting balm for transient melancholy.

Activities for your Journal

During your experience of loneliness:

• What have you learned about yourself? You can turn even a negative experience into an opportunity to learn about life (a.k.a. wisdom).

• Are you a person who is feels lonely when there are too few people around you?Many people discovered this “self-truth” when disallowed from working at their workplace during the COVID pandemic (a.k.a.social personality).

• Are you likely to experience loneliness when a special person is not available?

• Do you feel lonely when you experience “not enough action” in your life? When the days feel too long and drag on (a.k.a. boredom)?

• Are you likely to have the feeling of loneliness when you are experiencing a loss, or deeply recalling a loss (a.k.a.grief)?

• Are you prone to feeling lonely when you are experiencing a cycle of poor sleep (a.k.a. sleep-deprived)?

• Does the specter of loneliness tend to appear when something is over, for example when you’ve finished a book or completed watching a television series (a.k.a. goal/purpose deprived)?

You have agency that allows you to drill down to when, how, why your loneliness appears and feels — and this provides a key to how to best respond.

In the next post the focus will be on The Vastness of Now.

_Photo of woman in grass by Matthew Henry; path through woods by William Daigneault; both on Unsplash.