After the loss of someone very important in our life, and after the grieving phase has quieted, something else goes on. The unconscious works to describe how we remember them.

The content of the memory, the content of the form, thoughts, mannerisms and behaviors, most reflect the essence of their being in our mind. We absorb some of these thoughts and behaviors, again at the unconscious level. And some, at times, spontaneously emerge through us.

Introjects

In psychology, this describes the term “introject.” Introjects encompass reflections, positive and negative, of the personalities, style and behaviors of those who were extremely important to us. We sometimes unconsciously bring these into ourselves, and they are expressed through our own thoughts and behaviors.

We recognize these as “belonging to” people important in our lives. When our awareness of what has been introjected comes to consciousness, we often feel surprised, a bit amused and gently comforted.

These experiences are not unusual. I recall having them in different presentations after the deaths of my father, my sister, and my husband.

My Father’s Laugh

My father died many years ago at age 103. He went to work every weekday until he was 100, when his business was sold and, as he said, he lost his job.

I don’t recall precisely, but about a year after his death I began to hear his laugh in my own laugh. Laughs are very distinctive, and I could clearly hear my laugh sounding like my father’s.

This was not a conscious behavior, and it made me laugh even more, as I loved hearing my father’s laugh again. I don’t know how long this lasted, but at some point, it was no longer there.

My Sister’s Voice

My sister, my much older and only sibling, died three years ago at age 91. I was always her baby sister, and she was always in the position of trying to protect me.

The months following her death were very hard for me. I often found myself thinking about what she would say during our frequent phone chats. Her style was direct. Many of her comments were “big sister” advice to take better care of myself and admonishing me to not be stupid.

One time I recall that I could distinctly hear her saying these things. I heard not only what she said, but also the sound of her voice speaking to me. It was only one time, and it felt like a precious gift.

My Husband’s Tilt of the Head

My husband died a year and a half ago. Sometime after the first-year anniversary, I observed that I had unconsciously adopted a common expression of his. It included a little lift of the left side of the lip and a tilt of the head to the right.

This expression could convey multiple meanings, such as “What else can you do?”, “What can you expect?” or “C’est la vie,” life is what it is. My husband was French.

I don’t know when I stopped making that expression, but I’m not doing it anymore. At least for now.

Comfort When It Is Needed

I suspect what I’ve described is not unusual. The types and timing of introjections as a coping mechanism can be very adaptive and comforting.

They especially appear at a time of need, before a need is consciously recognized, and leave when no longer needed.

Speaking of leaves, welcome to autumn, my favorite season.

Contact me. I would be interested to hear of your similar experiences.

Photo by the Rosowsky Family