Thoughts and Suggestions from an Aging Psychologist.
Magical Thinking
When we wish upon a star, we are hoping that something we dearly desire will magically come to be — that wishing itself will make it happen.
While we do grow old, we do not outgrow magical thinking.
From Wishes to Plans — and Back Again
Magical thinking appears throughout sentient life, embedded in our every wish, dream, hope, and prayer. Some of these become repetitive, intermittently vibrant, but never developed. Others morph into malleable plans, revisited and reworked over time.
One day a plan stops. It becomes appraised as being too grandiose, too scary, too something, and deemed “just not possible.” The abruptness of its ending is frequently cushioned by the thought: “Maybe some day, some time, it will happen.” The plan has now been abandoned before it had a chance to be enacted.
What Gets in the Way
There are three major elements that foster defeatism and get in the way of our wishes being actualized. These are time, energy, and finances.
- “I don’t have the time.”
- “I don’t have the energy.”
- “I don’t have the funds.”
An overarching element, however, is the perception of one’s self as an agent of change. In order to pursue our wishes, dreams, or hopes, we need to believe we can change. Then we can develop a plan.
The Stages: From Wishing to Doing
After a plan is developed, we reach the stage of Commitment. This entails sitting with oneself, tweaking the plan, and deciding to go forward with it. Making a decision is a cognitive process — it is what we arrive at after gathering what we perceive is enough information.
This brings us to the stage of Doing. The first step is exciting. Unfortunately, it also frequently triggers one last obstacle. We know about the little voice in our head cautioning us: “Be careful. Danger! Change looms ahead.”
If we are able to get past this, we come to the stage of implementing the plan. It is at this stage where magical thinking is abandoned.
Activity
Can you recognize yourself in this discussion of the progression of stages between our wishes, hopes, and dreams and achieving a goal? Can you identify the stage where you historically get stuck? Being able to name that stage is itself a form of awareness — and awareness can help you consider what you can do to guide and support yourself going forward.
Choose a wish, hope, or a dream — a realistic one that is currently active. Think through the stages and identify your “self talk” that goes along with each one. Can you hear messages that are self-defeating?
I will share an example from my own life to help get you going.
My Story: A Trip After Loss
After my husband died, and the chaos of the enormous change in roles and responsibilities began to slow down, I became aware of a wish to take a trip — an actual physical move, to mark the end of my old life and the beginning of my new one.
This trip was not fleshed out. It was just the idea of a trip, and I wanted it just to happen (Magical Thinking). When I even began to think of what the trip might include, many “buts” jumped into my thinking to beat it down.
Energy. I didn’t have the energy to plan a trip right now. I felt tired, de-energized. (Response: That is precisely why a trip might be in order.)
Time. There is so much “business to attend to” following the death of a spouse. How can I spend time on unnecessary travel? (Response: You can, if you choose to. The business will be there for you when you return.)
Financial. Maybe I should wait and see if other expenses would be coming along. (Response: They will. Don’t wait. Life doesn’t.)
The Plan
- Realistic. Start low, go slow — but go.
- Rule out: Defeatism.
- Begin with: An airplane trip to visit my son and his family for three days.
Success! I did it. I made it happen and lived to tell the tale.
Since then I have taken two more trips — one a little more challenging, and another considerably more challenging.
The truth is that change is always a challenge, and more so in old age.
The voice in my head now has a new message.
“Go for it! You know you can do it. And the When is Now.”
Contact me. I’d love to hear back from you, especially about any creative ways you’ve put this to use.
Photo by author’s family.