Thoughts and Suggestions from an Aging Psychologist.

Part 2: Aging Easier

This series covers ten positives about being older. The first installment, Part 1: Perspective, covers the first three items on the list; this installment covers items 4 - 7.

Ten positive things about being an older adult

The Older Adult:

1. Has a broader, deeper view of the world
2. Has a more extensive and developed repertoire of how to survive in the world
3. Is more comfortable with, and accepting of, who they are
4. Feels less pressure to achieve major goals (or even create them)
5. Experiences grandparenting as more pleasurable and less stressful than parenting was
6. Discovers that they can still feel passion, amazement and awe
7. Can still learn (this capacity doesn’t age out)
8. Is able to forgive more liberally and authentically
9. Can be more active in the community (old ones and new ones)
10. Can relinquish membership in the “gotta run” generation (because they don’t “gotta”)

The gift of a good question

I received some very nice feedback from folks who appreciated the questions posed as a writing activity in the last post, Part 1: Perspective. I believe that a good question is a gift. It enables a person to clarify their thoughts and feelings and be more able to clearly communicate them.

I hope you’ve tried to address some of the questions, too. If you have, which ones did you chose? Did you find that your view of the world has changed with age? Are your usual coping skills working well in addressing the challenges you face at your age now? Are you more self-accepting than when you were younger? Do you recognize your dominant personality traits as “good ol’ me,” or have you found that these have changed?

Five questions. Five gifts.

Let’s move on.

The older adult feels less pressure to achieve major goals, or even to create them

It’s a relief not to have to keep pursuing one goal after another, and discovering that, as soon as one is met, another goal pops up demanding our immediate attention. Goals serve as stepping stones to the life we desire going forward.

We work our way up levels of achievement and towards identifiable ends. Our goals could focus on:

• a close relationship
• a home
• creative endeavors
• an education
• job
• career
• social status
• financial security

Within each goal there emerge sub-goals: a larger house, job promotions, greater wealth, etc. When we look back, we note that some goals were met, others were modified, and some abandoned altogether.

In older age, new types of goals can emerge that have a somehow different feel from those when we were younger. Now they are not singularly future-oriented, but rather more likely to incorporate the past with the present.

We discover that in older age we reminisce quite a lot.

Reminiscing is not simply a passive “passing of time,” but rather a purposeful activity toward achieving a cohesive tapestry that is uniquely our life; one that is mostly acceptable and at times quite lovely.

Reminiscing is universal. It is an activity practiced by older adults everywhere.

The older adult experiences grandparenting as more pleasurable and less stressful than parenting was

Becoming a grandparent is a role we cannot plan for and work towards, but one we often wish for. It is a role that depends on others, our children, to enable us to become a grandparent.

While becoming a grandparent is usually experienced as a true blessing, this is not necessarily so in instances where the parent is unable to care for the child, and the grandparents are recruited, legally or by default, to assume the parental role.

While this can work out very well, greater pleasure and less stress do not usually define the experiences of older folks called upon to safely guide and support an infant, child, and adolescent to emancipated adulthood.

These are the societal charges of parenthood. To be effective, parents need inculcate in the developing child the rules of society, so their children are able to meet the benchmarks of acceptability in all domains consistent with their age, stage and culture.

While absolutely wonderful at times, parenting is a challenging job with lots of moving parts including inevitable, expectable and unanticipated landmines along the way.

While we adore our children, we recognize that parenting is effortful, complicated and challenging, a role that spans the course of many years — more honestly, a lifetime.

For the grandparent, however, the societal charges of the role are different. The relationship with their grandchildren is comparatively uncomplicated and easy, and time spent with the grandchildren is coveted and precious.

Grandparents need but convey to the child that the sun and moon and stars were aligned above their head at their birth, and that they are wonderful just the way they are. Allow the cultivation to the parents.

The older adult discovers that they can still feel passion, amazement and awe

Older age is not passionless. In fact, it is a stage well suited to being able to identify where our passions truly lie. It is also a stage where we are able to spend more time on them.

In older age we can both revive old interests and develop new ones. When we allow ourselves to be open to new experiences, we increase the opportunity for amazement, and even awe.

Our recent universal experience of living during a pandemic has afforded us, albeit by default, the opportunity to stop and think about … well, just about everything, including our values and interests.

We may have recognized that some of our energies were being spent on old passions that had waned over time. Perhaps we were able to reach a sense of closure and achieve a redirection of time and energy to pursue other interests better suited to our life now, whether these be an activity, intellectual pursuit or a new relationship.

The older adult can still learn — the ability to learn doesn’t age out

There are truly normal, age-related changes. We know that with age we become slower — physically and our speed of processing. We often develop sensory diminutions, especially for hearing and vision. We find that we move about more slowly. This is true and real, and even so … we can still learn.

Getting new learning “in” might take more time than when we were young and getting it “out” as well. I suspect that most of us have experienced the time lag to retrieve names, well-learned information and common words (the “tip of the tongue” phenomena). I surely have!

On the other side, in the positive column, are ways that advancing age contributes to and supports new learning.

Older adults have a great store of information, in numerous areas, commensurate with their years. New learning is easier when it attaches to previous learning.

The idiom “the school of life” speaks to our learning from life’s experiences. You can take more risks in older age to challenge habitual thoughts, ideas, and values and even delete those that no longer ring true.

While the body loses flexibility, the mind can actually become more flexible.

As we age, we see the world using a broader lens. We can let go of beliefs that are no longer useful, and feelings that weigh us down. We can forgive and lighten our load of anger and guilt.

We can make time for new learning and make room for new thinking.

My children at times have teased me saying that I would get excited to learn about the “biggest ball of string.” I probably would, and I appreciate their compliment.

Activities

For Your Journal

• In what ways do you see that your goals have changed as you’ve aged?
• Have you developed new goals? What are they?
• Did you discover a new passion during this “pandemic period”? How has this discovery affected your life?
• Do you have a new interest (a.k.a. “curiosity”) on the horizon? How do you intend to pursue this?

Right Now

• Allow yourself to rest when you feel you need to. Give yourself permission.
• When you don’t want to do something, nicely decline the invitation. It’s your life, energy and time.
• Learn something new … and then pass it along to another. Do this every day! Start now: What did you learn today?

The next post will focus on Positives #8-10.

Photo by Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash.